Naked and Exposed

I stand in front of the mirror, nothing hiding my body. I am not covered by drapery that can hide my every flaw or underwear that shapes my figure so that it is pleasing. My hair is a mess and my face is bare. I stand there looking at myself, judging myself. 
I stand there examining what is wrong with my body. I always start by counting every stretch mark and trying to pull everything in. I look at myself with disappointment. I look at myself with shame. I ask "Why can't I be naturally beautiful? Why can't my metabolism be faster? Why do I look this way?" The longer I look in the mirror, the more I hate what I see. Thoughts race through my mind. Ways to make myself more pleasing. Maybe if I can starve myself long enough. Maybe if I just throw up a few times... maybe.

I head to my closet and search for something to wear. Each outfit accentuates a new fault. I want to find the beauty in my figure, but all I can see is disfigurement. I want to be smooth and sexy, but my eyes show me lumps and blemishes. I finally settle on an outfit, but I am not happy about it. I am uncomfortable, I feel tucked away and hidden in my own clothes. I live with this everyday so I just push it away from my mind and head to the bathroom.

In the bathroom I face the mirror again. My face bland with paleness and discoloration. I rely on tools and makeup to make me better. I have concealer to hide every spot and blemish, foundation to even my tone, and blush to give me a splash of color. I have colorful liners to make my eyes stand out and mascara to try and make them look bigger. Maybe if my eyes are distinct and beautiful, people won't see the insecurity that I battle every moment of the day. Maybe it will distract them from noticing that my heart is filled with anguish... maybe. By the time I get to my hair, I am tired. I am weary and my brain can't handle one more task to try and glamorize my dull and lifeless locks. So I just put it in a ponytail and call it done. I am done, but not satisfied. I am never satisfied.

I used to do this to myself every morning. I used to criticize myself every day. I was mad that I didn't fit into to same clothes as everyone else. I was mad that I couldn't wake up looking fabulous like I thought others did. Why did I hold beauty and being thin above everything else? I didn't take into consideration the real reasons why people cared for me. I let the media decide how I should look at myself. I watched the commercials and read the magazines. I saw who the stars were and I knew what they looked like. They looked nothing like me and I was far from fitting that mold. 

I asked myself  "Why do I do this? Why do I subject myself to this internal torture and verbal abuse? Why do I think that I would be happy if I had someone else's beauty or even beauty at all".

This was going on through most of my teenage years. It went on until I met, and began to court, a man who loves me through it all. I'm not talking about my husband,even though he does think that I am the most beautifully made woman in the world. I am talking about Jesus. 

Psalm 139:14 I will praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous …

God made man in His likeness! I was created to love myself and to love others. Once I stopped trying to please man and started pleasing God, my eyes started to change! I looked in the mirror one morning and found something to love. I saw a beautiful young woman who cared deeply for others. I saw a talented girl who can captivate a crowd with her voice. I saw a smile that lights up the faces of those who are dear to me. I saw a mother and wife who will stop at nothing to love her family and do what is best for them. I started to see Jesus. His glory and beauty shining in my life! I didn't drop a ton of weight and my skin didn't suddenly even itself out. My hair was still frizzy and I still looked a little lumpy! I simply took my eyes off of the people who didn't matter and put them on Jesus.

I still struggle with insecurities, I don't know many who don't, but they go away as soon as I remember what counts. 

Maybe you can relate to this. Maybe you wake up doing the same things. Maybe you took it a step further and starved yourself or made yourself sick every morning. If you relate please listen carefully... YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! You were not created to hate yourself. You were created to love God and in return you get to see yourself through your Heavenly Father's eyes! Beauty at its finest. Don't let the ways of the world make you feel bad about yourself. You don't have to be a single digit size to be beautiful. You don't have to put your sexuality on display or dress in a way you think people will find desirable. Your skin doesn't have to be blemish free or a nice tan shade to be considered attractive. Don't be held back by beauty that is ever fleeting.  Be positive, be encouraging, and pursue the desires of your heart! The rest will work itself out.  

Next time you look into the mirror, find one thing that you like and focus on it. Thank God for your eyes. Praise the Lord for your humor! You will see yourself start to change and, I believe, you will begin to love yourself in a new way.